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I'm finally going! [29 Sep 2002|08:04am]
[ mood | sad ]

Okay after all the goddamn times that I wrote that I was going back to California, or that I was going to New Mexico, it's finally fucking happening. I have a plane ticket to New York City, NY.

I'll be living with one of my best friends, Tana, and my friend in New York (Chuck) in New Rochelle, NY.

I'm so goddamn scared. But I can't wait. I am going to miss my boyfriend so much. I love him so fucking much, I just don't know what I'm going to do. Shit I gotta go now. I'm gonna start crying...

6 comments|post comment

Dayum Dayum [15 Aug 2002|05:59pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

It's been a really long time since I have written anything in here. I don't have the internet anymore at my house (as some of you know) so I am never online. I'm usually at my friend Amber's house when I can get on to check mail and shit, so I don't stay on for too long.

There is way too much to say to even come close to the actual things that happened.

We met this girl, Merrell, who moved to AK from TX, and now Amber Merrell and I are practically inseperable. Erin G has started to hang out with our circle of friends more often and I've enjoyed chillin with her again like back in school. Merrell has gone back to TX for a while to get things cleared up at home down there, and will come to school halfway into the year or so, and B**** and I don't get along anymore. That means a lot less time over at the "Penis Buffet" Party House. That sucks. Matt L is no longer scary, he is a strong sweet-heart. Matt W is still a slut. Amber and B**** went out, then broke up, then went out, then broke up, then slept together. I don't understand, but whatever. C***** got together with Merrell and then lost her to B*****. Now they're on their way to an ends, and C***** and I are through before we started. We went to BlueGrass in Talkeetna, DAYUM was that fun! :) Been missing raves a lot, and missing my friends in Cali even more. W***** is back from the Navy Boot Camp cuz of criminal charges of fraud. Been smoking a lot of bud, thinking of quitting that for a while. Gonna work at K-Mart. Gotta grow up.

That's about it, peoples. I hope I can hear from ya, write some things in here, I'm bored!

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Crazy crazy shit [17 Jul 2002|04:28am]
[ mood | awake ]

I guess Im on another party marathon here. Ive been going non-stop for almost a month now. Crazy crazy nights of Adderall or however you spell it, smoking LOTS of bud, and meeting new people. Crazy crazy.

This past week has been exceptionally interesting. Passing out while making out with someone, a HUGE slipknot poster, lots and lots of pool... Hot guys are cool too.

The other night Id have to say was the craziest. Corbin got a lil too drunk at the bar, so by the time he got home we figured it was WELL time to fuck with him. Basically, we have two rolls of film where he is covered with black ink and rude remarks, wearing a shiny green thong. It would have been funny enough if he just layed there, but for the fact that he got up and danced around trying to get laid made it even better! HAHA Great shit, drugs are freaky, arent they?

Yesterday was crazy. I thought I was on acid and hallucinating the whole thing, because it was too weird. Every hot guy at the mall; Amber and I met. At one point, me and her met this boy who's mom won the 4 mil lottery a few years ago, and the 3 mil a year later. He took us out to dinner :) Then we met his friend, who is taking us out to dinner TOMORROW night, and met like tons of hotties with phat drug hook-ups. RIGHT ON!

Tomorrow I'm dying Amber's hair and going to... *drumroll* VOLLEYBALL! How much happier could I be? Well I couldnt hehe...

Lots of shit I am leaving out, like broken hearts and a sister's hair ripped out in her sister's hand... But I cant type right now. Too fucked up! hehe

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Is this what acid is like? [13 Jul 2002|04:47pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I am hallucinating. I am fucking hallucinating. I cant sleep in the bath with my ears under water. The background sounds of water and pipes are making an eerie sound; like the antichrist laughing at me.

I cant sit still. I feel like I'm paranoid about something, but not sure what. My body will jerk around every five minutes, or even sometimes less. A leg will kick out, my arm jerks forward, my stomach tenses up and then back out again.

I feel as if I'm going to puke. It wasnt something I ate. Its my life. My life is making me ill.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jane. Jane was a nice girl, but unfortunately, she got herself into some trouble when she started having sex. She thought that she could have sex and not become emotionally attached, ya know, like GUYS. Anyways. Once Jane's life started going down the drain, school, drugs, and guys shifted in levels of importance. Drugs and guys were tied, school wasn't even an option for Jane. "Fuck school" Jane said. Nice job, Jane.

So Jane meets some new friends. They're much older than her, but awesome guys. Theres Jimmy, Jason, James, and John. They're roomates. Of course, the devil, sex and drugs get the best of Jane, like usual, and she has sex with Jimmy. Jimmy becomes attached, but now Jane don't like Jimmy. So she sleeps with Jason. Jason don't like Jane, so no biggie. So the next time she sleeps with Jimmy, Jason goes awol. He lashes out at people, drinks himself to a stupor, and ruins expensive items that don't belong to him. Jane got him back, but that's another story.

Jane wonders why Jason is a fucking drunken freak. But yet she is still a slut. Jane then sleeps with James. So Jimmy gets pissed. Jane doesn't know what to do. Jason finally admits to Jane that he had feelings for her, but he was hurt when she went off with Jimmy. But now its too late. He can't trust Jane anymore.

Now Jane really likes Jason. A lot. She tries and tries to get him back, or whatever she had with him before. They continue to be friends, but that's all.

Jane brings her friends, Julie and Jackie to the house to party one night. Jackie takes a liking to Jason, despite her boyfriend back home. But she doesn't tell Jane, why hurt her, ya know?

Bad choice Jackie.

In the end, Jane is hurt the most. She cries and cries, drinks herself to a stupor two days in a row. Yes DAYS. Captain Morgan's at 9am to Courvasier at 5am. Of course, Jackie and Jason shack up. What do you know. They always like the friends better.

Wasn't that a jolly little story? Well I fucking hated it. I hated it a lot.

Hello, my name is Natalie. Also known as Jane. And I am an idiot.

I think I'm going to puke.

I am making myself ill.

Crazy ill.

I wish my body would stop having these spazms, its' worrying me.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see myself in a car. I'm in the passenger seat. I see a car crash. Or we side swipe another car switching lanes. Or we rear-end another car. Or something explodes.

In the bath, I closed my eyes for a split second, and I saw a guy chasing a girl, throw her down on the ground, and kick her.

What the fuck is my problem? I think I'm going crazy.

I think I'm gonna die. What is wrong with me? I think I have some weird fucking disease or something that is fucking with my whole existance.

I think I am hated extremely by God, or the Gods, or a higher existance, or whatever there is out there that watches over us. Why else would all this kinda shit happen to me?

I mean, my family life is fucked. My father is broke as a joke, my mom is broker than a joke. My sister lives so far away, I don't know my neice.

I'm getting "kicked out" again. Woo hoo. That means she yells, I leave for two days, come back. It's fine.

My mom gets beat on by her boyfriend. Fuck that asshole. What am immature baby. He's actually whining drunkenly outside the living room window right this moment. I have been ignoring him for about, oh.. 20 Minutes now. God, get a life.

Uh-oh. I'm tilting to one side. I don't think that's good. I cant sit straight. I think I'm still drunk.

What is wrong with me? I need to know.

I'm tilting a LOT to one side. This is crazy. I hate it. Ow, my knuckles are bruised. Oh shit, what did I punch last night...

My heart feels heavy. Not in a poetic way, but it feels like it weighs 35 lbs. Now I'm leaning forward. It's moving around inside of me, I can feel it swimming through my body. Now I'm leaning the other way.

Oh shit, there is something really wrong with me.

My entire torso feels crazy right now. I don't think many of y'all reading this have smoked crack, so let me fill you in. Crack is different from other smoking things. Cigarettes tell you when to stop inhaling, cuz it'll start to be too much pressure inside your lungs. Bud tells you when to stop inhaling, cuz it'll start to burn your throat. Crack is so smooth. It's chemicals. Smooth, soft, warm chemicals. It feels so nice on your body, It makes you float. The higher you get, the higher you are. You don't know when to stop inhaling, it just feels so good. Someone has to tell you when to stop, cuz you might not do it alone. It makes ur whole body light, you feel like there is tea or cocoa running through your veins, because your blood is practically boiling.

That's what I feel like right now. No, I'm not high on crack, nor did I smoke any since like December. But my blood is hot, My arms are turning red. My hands are shaking, that feeling that there is a huge flamed lighter burning under my ribs won't go away.

I keep having these spazms. What's wrong with me?

I really don't think this is good.

Is this what acid is like? If so, I hate it.

3 comments|post comment

wtf [08 Jul 2002|08:13pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

i am sad now. my mom said that the cable box goes back tomorrow. that means, NO MORE INTERNET> im gonna cry

and my eye hurts

and im hungry


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why is longing so painful? [06 Jul 2002|06:44am]
i read this on a profile today... tell me what you think


S**, the past 6 months have been so amazing. I never knew what love was until I met you. I just knew something would happen between us and what do you know! Newyears when I finally got the guts to ask you out on the countdown was really special to me, ill never forget it. Every day I think about that night and a huge smile appears on my face, ill never forget it. I love you more and more every day, our relationship gets stronger and stronger and I hope this continues for a very long time because I cannot imagine it any other way but to be with the best girlfriend in the entire world. I love you S**!


stuff like that makes me wanna break down and cry. i need to hear that more than any of you could ever know...
2 comments|post comment

Sex is so pointless. [06 Jul 2002|05:06am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I dont know why I do it. I mean, its just sex. It really means nothing.

I have the lowest self esteem ever. EVER. So, when someone wants to have sex with me, drunk or not, I think, "hell they might really like me." So then I have sex with them, and then its like "wow, whadya know, they DONT like me." But the strange thing is, I dont want them to like me. If they did, I'd feel uncomfotable and not be able to handle it.

This one guy, b****, we had sex. He ended up really liking me. Like a lot, he wanted to go out and shit. But NO, I have this problem where I like someone, and then, as soon as they like me, I dont like them anymore. WTF is up with that.

I had sex with b**** again the other night. Woo hoo. Yay. Not. Nothing exciting at all, and to tell you the truth, it wasnt that good anyways.

So today, I have sex with this guy m***. YES WOW WHAT A SLUT THIS NATALIE GIRL IS. i know thats what ur saying in your head. But you can kiss my ass, because I dont care what none y'all think about me. At least this m*** guy was better.

So now these chicks roll up in here (im at a friend's) and they're like "how long have you been here?" and im like "just today" and they're like "well, i just wanna know if you had sex with b**** today so we can change the sheets."

WOW. That was quite a mother fucking confidence builder right there...

I think they like me, so I fuck them. Then, theres two final outcomes. 1) they like me and i dont want them. 2) they dont like me and i get my feelings hurt. And sometimes, theres even a third, 3) they like me, i turn them down, then get hurt when they flirt with other girls.

I just found out recently this b**** guy is a major slut. wow, im stoked now.

and this m*** dude, at least he fucking had a girlfriend for two and half years and they broke up yesterday. for ONE, that means he's not a big slut. and then theres the other hand, where, he DOENST LIKE ME. hes on the rebound.

Why do i even have this sex thing? I dont understand the big deal of it. I want it so bad sometimes, but when I get it, I fucking hate it. I dont get it, I dont get what is so great about it. I only have thought it was great twice. now ones in the navy, and the other one was in the army then he went awol and psycho and yeah.

I sure can pick em.

Why do I gotta be such a slut like that. I hate the way I live my life. I gotta get shit back on track, I HATE THIS ALL.

Oh yeah, today my mom's boyfriend kicked me in the shin. It bruised instantly and it was hit so hard i almost passed out. I hate that asshole. oh yeah, and then I hit it later again today. :( OW. I hate it.

shit. i also woke up today with my first hangover. my friend c***** (whom I also slept with thank you very much and he said he liked me but he was drunk, and then he went and freaked cuz i slept with b**** instead of him and broke my cell phone and b****'s $350 pool stick and cried... but thats another story) said that you get hangovers when you drink sweet alcohol. that makes sense. i always drink beer, or vodka, or shit like that. then i drink like 10 smirnoff ice's and wake up feeling like an elephant is doing ballet on my temples.

this bullshit 99 apples shit from tonight. that shit is SWEET. and i dont mean "i love it its so awesome wow tight totally cool" i mean its like a fucking gallon of sugar with a little alcohol and apple flavor. i drank... six sips of my cranberry juice/99 apples mix. now i have a major headache, and that was only from about 3 hours ago.

SHIT this hurts.

Oh yeah, my nose hurts too. I need some goddamn coke to numb it. I'm fucked up so bad. I need a goddamn job, and I need $4.10 so that I can buy some goddamn bleach and get my hair back to normal so I dont seem like a big phatty freak wherever i go.

ACK! Those bitches are sleeping in the bed I claimed! looks like another uncomfortable night (last night was a ground and lots of big phat rocks- camping.) on the couch. I WANNA CRY and this goddamn aspirin isnt working.

those fucking whores. i am gonna sue tylenol.

i just never wanna have sex ever again, until its with someone I can trust. i want my jakey baby. i love you my jermiah jake.

1 comment|post comment

Its the Fourth of July! [04 Jul 2002|06:39pm]
YAY the fourth is always a big party promise, at least in Cali. I hope it is here.


I wrote like the first 6 years of my life and that slut deleted it all then started yelling at me how I don't help her out around the house so I'm not allowed on the computer. What a whore.

So I have to start completely over again. And I was so upset when she did that, I was fucking crying.

I hate her.
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Well well well [02 Jul 2002|05:26pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Yay, at least TWO people said they'd read the story of my life. I'm stoked. I'll get to writing it as soon as I can! yay! hehe

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I think I love Bam Margera... <3 [02 Jul 2002|12:10am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I love all the CKY movies, so much! They crack me up. I think CKY3 is my favorite one, but ya know, CKY2K and CKY have their awesomely great points ;)

Bam Margera and Brandon DiCamillo are my heros, they are just too awesome. Who else can make someone laugh so hard just by peeing on their dad or mocking a drive through window operator? ::hehe::

I miss my Jakey... I haven't talked to him in a long long time...

I miss the ocean. I miss the constant sun, the bright green grass, the waves, the surfers, the tan boys walking down the sand, surfboard under arm, sweeping their sandy blond hair outta their eyes before they paddle out... ::sigh:: I miss California.

I do love it here, I love it a lot. It definately has it's awesome points. Hmm... I have to think about my life a lot... I'm not sure exactly what it's there for sometimes...

If someone knows, lemme know too :D

I read a really great live journal thing today. This boy named Casey wrote all about his life. I should do that sometime.. But I dont think anyone will read it :( If you will, lemme know too, cuz I will write it. I think many of you will be surprised at me...

6 comments|post comment

People=Shit.. How true is that. [26 Jun 2002|10:39pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

In case anyone actually cares, and actually reads this... I am o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o

o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: my mom just fucking beat the shit out of her boyfriend and i had to
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: hold on i have to kill him
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i just threw shit at him and hit him in the stomach as hard as i could with a broom
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and my mom threw a knife at him
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: you dont understand what i am going through
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i fucking hate him
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: he's always saying that my mom is a slut and fucking everyone in our apartment building
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: shes with him 24-7 how coudl she
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and that i am a little spoiled bitch

o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i have never gotteen anything in my life from my bitch mother and i have never gotten anything in my life from that asshole
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i never get shit
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i hit him in the face last night
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i hit him in the head witha fishing pole reel twice a few weeks ago
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: he cut his face
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i hate him so muhc
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: he just said that shes a drunk bitch which is true but he cant talk to her like that
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and that she is fucking our landlord
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and that he feeds her and that his dick is her life
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and she pushed him over into the wall
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and over the desk
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and intot he corner of the tv table
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and i smacked him in the back,. and in the back of the neck,
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and then he fucking had to pull the last straw
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and he said
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: oh yeah natlaie did she go to the store and feed your fat ass with fifty dollars of food?
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and i fucking ripped the front door open and grabed two shoes
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: chased him out the door
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: hit him in the leg with one
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and hit him int he head with the other
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: then i grabbed the broom and hit him in the stomach really hard
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and hes' on probation
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and shouldnt be drinking
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and im gonna turn him in
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im calling the police right now
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: she wont let me
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: what a fucking bitch
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im gonna fucking kill myself
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im gona fuckign kill myself
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i knocked over our table and spilled candles and wax all over my moms bed and the floor
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and hit myself in the head and banged my head on the table
.:jUsTiN:.: u ok now?
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: no im not fucking ok
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im gonna fucking go up to his apartment and steal every piece of money that he has
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im gona fucking run away
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: im gona fucking die
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: hopefully ill walk down the street and meet someoen who will give me a lot of drugs and kill me and rape me
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: and then burn my hideous fat ugly body and i'll go to hell
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: : no i hope i go somewhere else i dont want to be there with my mother and that asshole
o0o_backoutonthehighway_o0o: i have to just run away

2 comments|post comment

YAY golden girls [24 Jun 2002|01:19am]
Blanche Devereaux
Which Golden Girl Are You?

yes the SLUT . AGAIN
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HAHA [24 Jun 2002|12:44am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Adopt your own useless blob!

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz


I think shall name my Blob. What shall I name him?
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A strange little fact. [23 Jun 2002|05:24pm]
Okay, in the N Sync video "I drive myself crazy" it opens with a scene of the insane asylum and a Doctor. In the background it says "Dr. Kravitz... *somethingsomethingsomething*..."

In the background of yet another music video (cannot recall which one right now) it says "Dr. Kravitz... *somethingsomethingsomething*..."

In the background of the SlimJim thing where the kid eats the SlimJim and then gets operated on, it says "Dr. Kravitz... *somethingsomethingsomething*..."

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Riiight [23 Jun 2002|05:22pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So it's Sunday, and what do I have to show for my night last night? NOTHING! Ack. I stayed in. How depressing. Lalalala. Oh yeah. So my mom's not mad at me anymore. What can I say, except she's a mostly drunken bitch who forgets all her threats. Its not healthy man, not healthy at all.

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[22 Jun 2002|11:34pm]

she cries and i want to hit her harder

when she whines

makes me want to rip her guts out of her fucking asshole
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that fucking skank did it again [22 Jun 2002|11:30pm]
i fucking hate my asshole mom i hope she fucking dies she just told me that im worthless and that i am NOTHING and will never be nothing and should just kill myself before i ruin everyone else's life.
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hmm lalala [22 Jun 2002|08:11pm]
[ mood | amused ]

my dear friend andrea whom i never speak to that much anymore called me and told me that she hates everyone because everyone is a backstabbing bitch. i couldnt agree with her more. i dont hate EVERYONE. but pretty much everyone. i have my few close friends and to those people i thank you much! me and andrea are going friend hunting, we need some new ones lol...

i am getting my hair back normal... too bad i only had 50% of the bleach i need to get this god-forsaken blue-black out of my hair. so naturally, i parted my hair all the way down the middle, and bleached. HEHE i now have half blue-black, and half grey-blond-yellow-green hair. lol i can live until i get 5 more bucks to get the other half hehehe i think its' fun!

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I dont even know what to call this one! [22 Jun 2002|06:59pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I am soooo stupid. Why do I even write things in here, when no one can really understand whats going on. People probably read these, and go "Riiight. She's a pathological liar." Hey, it's not my fault I believe my mom when she tells me I'm gone. But I dunno.

Her boyfriend is so horrible to her. She's a caterer, and she spent HOURS hard boiling eggs and stuff for Deviled Eggs. The asshole threw them all in the river. That is one of the minimal things he does to her.

He's in rehab, but he drinks anyways. I should turn his ass in. He hits her too. And now since he knows he has lung cancer, he has to make a big deal of getting out his inhaler during their fights. Riiight. Poor little asshole.

I hate my mom so much sometimes. But I hate to see her like this. And at this point RIGHT now, she's yelling at me for something. And I wanna punch her in the face. But I still love her.

I promised her something just a few minutes ago. I promised her that if she gets a job on monday, that I will too. We'll save as much as we possibly can for two months. Then we're getting the hell out of Alaska. I love this place, it's great. But it's not the place for us. Too depressing.

I need her behind me. I need her help, even though I'm almost 18. I'll always need her. And she'll always help me, even if she doesn't want to. Cuz she's my mom. I'm gonna make her proud of me somehow. I need to get my calling...

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another thing [18 Jun 2002|04:59pm]
i cant go back to my old town. i dont fit in there anymore. i am not one of the little sheltered country town kids. i am nothing of the sort. i couldnt deal with it there. i'll be miserable. friends or not. i'll kill myself.
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