I am hallucinating. I am fucking hallucinating. I cant sleep in the bath with my ears under water. The background sounds of water and pipes are making an eerie sound; like the antichrist laughing at me.
I cant sit still. I feel like I'm paranoid about something, but not sure what. My body will jerk around every five minutes, or even sometimes less. A leg will kick out, my arm jerks forward, my stomach tenses up and then back out again.
I feel as if I'm going to puke. It wasnt something I ate. Its my life. My life is making me ill.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Jane. Jane was a nice girl, but unfortunately, she got herself into some trouble when she started having sex. She thought that she could have sex and not become emotionally attached, ya know, like GUYS. Anyways. Once Jane's life started going down the drain, school, drugs, and guys shifted in levels of importance. Drugs and guys were tied, school wasn't even an option for Jane. "Fuck school" Jane said. Nice job, Jane.
So Jane meets some new friends. They're much older than her, but awesome guys. Theres Jimmy, Jason, James, and John. They're roomates. Of course, the devil, sex and drugs get the best of Jane, like usual, and she has sex with Jimmy. Jimmy becomes attached, but now Jane don't like Jimmy. So she sleeps with Jason. Jason don't like Jane, so no biggie. So the next time she sleeps with Jimmy, Jason goes awol. He lashes out at people, drinks himself to a stupor, and ruins expensive items that don't belong to him. Jane got him back, but that's another story.
Jane wonders why Jason is a fucking drunken freak. But yet she is still a slut. Jane then sleeps with James. So Jimmy gets pissed. Jane doesn't know what to do. Jason finally admits to Jane that he had feelings for her, but he was hurt when she went off with Jimmy. But now its too late. He can't trust Jane anymore.
Now Jane really likes Jason. A lot. She tries and tries to get him back, or whatever she had with him before. They continue to be friends, but that's all.
Jane brings her friends, Julie and Jackie to the house to party one night. Jackie takes a liking to Jason, despite her boyfriend back home. But she doesn't tell Jane, why hurt her, ya know?
Bad choice Jackie.
In the end, Jane is hurt the most. She cries and cries, drinks herself to a stupor two days in a row. Yes DAYS. Captain Morgan's at 9am to Courvasier at 5am. Of course, Jackie and Jason shack up. What do you know. They always like the friends better.
Wasn't that a jolly little story? Well I fucking hated it. I hated it a lot.
Hello, my name is Natalie. Also known as Jane. And I am an idiot.
I think I'm going to puke.
I am making myself ill.
I wish my body would stop having these spazms, its' worrying me.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see myself in a car. I'm in the passenger seat. I see a car crash. Or we side swipe another car switching lanes. Or we rear-end another car. Or something explodes.
In the bath, I closed my eyes for a split second, and I saw a guy chasing a girl, throw her down on the ground, and kick her.
What the fuck is my problem? I think I'm going crazy.
I think I'm gonna die. What is wrong with me? I think I have some weird fucking disease or something that is fucking with my whole existance.
I think I am hated extremely by God, or the Gods, or a higher existance, or whatever there is out there that watches over us. Why else would all this kinda shit happen to me?
I mean, my family life is fucked. My father is broke as a joke, my mom is broker than a joke. My sister lives so far away, I don't know my neice.
I'm getting "kicked out" again. Woo hoo. That means she yells, I leave for two days, come back. It's fine.
My mom gets beat on by her boyfriend. Fuck that asshole. What am immature baby. He's actually whining drunkenly outside the living room window right this moment. I have been ignoring him for about, oh.. 20 Minutes now. God, get a life.
Uh-oh. I'm tilting to one side. I don't think that's good. I cant sit straight. I think I'm still drunk.
What is wrong with me? I need to know.
I'm tilting a LOT to one side. This is crazy. I hate it. Ow, my knuckles are bruised. Oh shit, what did I punch last night...
My heart feels heavy. Not in a poetic way, but it feels like it weighs 35 lbs. Now I'm leaning forward. It's moving around inside of me, I can feel it swimming through my body. Now I'm leaning the other way.
Oh shit, there is something really wrong with me.
My entire torso feels crazy right now. I don't think many of y'all reading this have smoked crack, so let me fill you in. Crack is different from other smoking things. Cigarettes tell you when to stop inhaling, cuz it'll start to be too much pressure inside your lungs. Bud tells you when to stop inhaling, cuz it'll start to burn your throat. Crack is so smooth. It's chemicals. Smooth, soft, warm chemicals. It feels so nice on your body, It makes you float. The higher you get, the higher you are. You don't know when to stop inhaling, it just feels so good. Someone has to tell you when to stop, cuz you might not do it alone. It makes ur whole body light, you feel like there is tea or cocoa running through your veins, because your blood is practically boiling.
That's what I feel like right now. No, I'm not high on crack, nor did I smoke any since like December. But my blood is hot, My arms are turning red. My hands are shaking, that feeling that there is a huge flamed lighter burning under my ribs won't go away.
I keep having these spazms. What's wrong with me?
I really don't think this is good.
Is this what acid is like? If so, I hate it.